“Make him understand that you like money but don't tell him outrightly o.”
“Tell him you can't cook and clean.”
“Bill him.”
“If he doesn't give you money, give him attitude.”
“If he sends money, give him attitude till he sends more money.”
“If he is rich, be all over him, do everything to please him so that he can send money but at the same time don't be all over him too much o.”
“All you need is big bum bum, he'll fall for you like yakata squares.”
Two weeks ago, my secondary school class mate called me. This boy don dey try bag me since sss3 but I no gree. He found me on the class group that was recently created and he decided to continue his toasting from where he stopped. But, Miriam you are wicked o, how man go dey toast you since secondary school till now and you no gree?
Eh, eh, as I was saying, he called me and I picked. I wasn't in my best mood and I didn't have the stopiddd strength to act nice for anyone so I said a very dryyyy “Hello!””
My roommate was there, she kicked me and said “Chill! Nah man be that! Sound sweet!” Oya nah, I decided not to be rude and listened to everything this boy had to say. He's rich now, working, earning and taking care of his family like a man. Eh eh? Of what use is this information to me? Will it increase my CGPA? One thing led to another and he promised me money. I no send ham o, I no talk anything in regards to money o, Oga promised me money and my roommate heard it.
Immediately I ended the call, my roommate started hailing me that I've found man. I stated that I wasn't interested and she said I must be interested because money is involved. For one week, this girl made me talk sweet, in her words “whine” the boy till he sends me the money and keep whining him so he'd send more money.
You mean I should tolerate what I won't tolerate on a normal day because he's rich? Eh eh? Is that what you people have turned relationship into? An avenue for making quick cash? Una no tell me since nah, why I come dey suffer with this writing thing?
Since I've entered this hostel eh, I've learnt so much about “pleasing men” than I bargained for. I do lip combo, Nooo! Don't wear it like this, a man might not be attracted, wear it like this. Oya, I put on my regular polo that I stole took from my brother's closet and my baggy jeans. No, wear that summer dress, show then those curves. Oya, I wear my bodycon dress. Nooo! Your belle dey show, man no go too like ham or try suck the belle in! Ahh! If I pass out nkor?
Everytime nah so so “nah why you never see man” I dey collect from this people hand. I eat noodles, no, I’m supposed to eat spaghetti. But, me I don't like spaghetti “nah why you never see man.” I'm tired, I want to sleep in, “nah why you never see man.” Oya, I start going out “you go out too much, nah why you never see man.” I smile too much “nah why you never see man.” Oya, I don't smile at all “nah why you never see man.”
I, honestly, don't get it. Why does everything I do have to revolve around man? I cannot just wear whatever I want or feel comfortable in without thinking of whether one nonsense man in a Range Rover that he probably borrowed or went to wash for his boss would find me attractive?
Yesterday, I was returning to school and I saw my friend's girlfriend monthly bills. Wait fess! You people are not playing o! To be person babe don turn to full employment o. Some of this 9-5ers no even dey earn like this babes dem because what do you mean your monthly salary as his babe is 1.5 million naira plus other things he MUST pay for?
I know you'd love to know if I sweet talked that boy who promised me money till he sent it. Dey play! Me that gave up sinceee! I have one big flaw and that is: I don't have patience at alllll, especially when you are dishing out rubbish.
What do you mean by the first question you are asking me is “What's your body count? When was the last time you were wet?” Ejoorrr, Biko nu, Mbok, or whatever language you speak, My mummy didn't teach me that one o. I blocked him sharpppp and went back to watching CSI Las Vegas and sleeping. Which mumu calm down be that?
First of all, my world doesn't revolve around any man. No, I am not wearing my bodycon dress to attract any man, I'm wearing it because it makes me feel good. No, I'm not doing lip combo for any man, I'm doing it because I love trying out lip combos. No, I am not cooking because I have to learn how to cook for a man, I'm cooking because I'm hungry, aunty, I'm hungry and I need to eattttt! You people should rest abegg.
Secondly, I love my peace of mind, I loveeee itttt! Anything that starts to feel like a threat to my peace of mind, I'll remove it without wasting time. Tell me why I should be begging a man to forgive me because I didn't read his message since morning or I replied two minutes late? I should start panicking because man no call me since morning and he isn't picking my calls either? When I suppose dey chop my sweet bread in peace, bread go come dey bitter for my mouth because man dey snub me? Abeg! abeggg!
My roommates have started yapping me with “you're the only one without a man in the room.” The only one who watches movies and plays games while everyone is doing night call with their lovers. The only one who doesn't go out on dates or collect random “oh, I ordered shawarma for you.” That's how one human being invited me out by 8pm. Oga, is it tarry night we will be doing there?
It's starting to feel like being single is a disease and I'm cursed. Sometimes, it gets to me when they say something like “Oh, you can't relate because you are single” but before I go to my corner and weep? Waka! Your papa!! Your papa left toe!!!🖐️
I'm not saying love isn't sweet. Love is sweet, especially when you are with the right person and I long to be with one but if I have to sacrifice my peace of mind or fake my life just to be with one? Don't worry, I love the cricket sounds from my WhatsApp when I open it. Don't worry, I'll binge watch CSI till my eyes pop out or till I know the entire script word for word. Make Una carry the relationship chop!
What's the wildest sis code you've ever heard? 🥲🤲
Thank youuuuu for this. Thank God I am not the only person facing this. Why should my life revolve around a man? Don't buy a car or land or anything, he will see you as a proud woman. Don't do this, he will think of you like you're competing with him. I will enter a relationship because I want to and I have seen the one who's perfect for me. I am the prize abeg 😂
I had a good laugh and a good reflection.
In the end what you order is what you get.
No one should complain when they hunt for scum, bag scum and get treated like trash.
You don't plant mangoes and expect to reap oranges.